Bad feelings aren’t always bad

My soul shudders when I keep it in a cage,
every day I’m getting closer to keeping out in the fields
away from the steel bars and heavy locks,
at first freedom can feel like torture
after you’ve imprisoned yourself for too long,
I don’t like this feeling
but I take it in, it reminds me that I’m as human as you,
it doesn’t feel stable
it just feels clearer than stuffing it behind mental bars,
Cat Power is on my shoulder,
whispering husky reminders that we can only be free once we crank open our metal-heart-cages and listen to our insides,
I trail through the valleys
of far-away plains
that much of the world has forgotten about,
you wouldn’t know it unless you looked up,
amongst these narrow, hollow barrels of lost signals
there’s a starry night sky,
and we all share the same light,
peering through our own eye capsules,
rocketing through our own plains,
I guess I missed the road sign
that told me to turn left,
makes my head twist
pulls my neck away from myself,
these days I seem to trail on, sometimes for too long,
but I see more than if I’d stayed on the Google-maps-path
of life choices
and chronological societally-normal
trigger points of study, work, house and what ever follows after that,
makes me yawn before I even finish considering it,
my instincts tell me it’s all rubbish anyway,
see the tea that drips from the strainer,
I want to taste every drop
without having to clean up the dried leaves and forgotten fragments
of a passed day
so I’m learning to compile all the lost files and process them through the shredder in my brain,
to manouver the obstacles as they come my way,
so that they’ll stop
tainting today,
clouding the way,
I don’t like this feeling,
I just prefer it more than being numb.

Midnight silhouettes

Do you need footsteps clicking beside you to remind you that you have friends,
did that last text message need to be sent,
when was the last time you checked in with yourself
before 3am,
mental breakdown-hour
it seems too easy to say that we were only ever friends
I guess it depends on what you do between the sheets
and we just shared each other under the layers,
no whispering of secret truths,
just dreamt out our insides side by side night after night,
it seems too simple to say that we forgot the most important dates of the year,
each day leaks into the next and we remember only when it’s too late to rehash who we were,
and what does it matter,
the things we told each other before we slipped into our midnight silhouettes,
you only say half of what you mean,
leave me guessing in between,
always something left unsaid
from both ends,
you don’t drink anymore,
said it was much too easy to drown your thoughts than let them out,
breathe in toxic chemicals that extinguish the burning neurons,
I’m left alone on the dancefloor when you’re too afraid of your mind to let me in,
it seems impossible to know
and guessing never helps,
the drizzle in the phone connection disperses the transgressions we tried to spear with our tongues
and lick off each others’ lips,
we told each other every secret we’d ever bundled inside ourselves
except the centrefold of our hearts,
you could never say we were only ever friends.